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  • Writer's pictureadaravalarie

Real Talk

One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced so far, is to stop trying to change others. I hate to even admit it, but I’ve struggled with this in romantic relationships, in friendships, with family, and professionally.

Pain is often inevitable.

Now, not all pain is equal, so sometimes the pain is momentary and easy to get over while other times, the pain feels like too much to bear, and it lingers.

But regardless of the kind of relationship you are in, I have found one thing to be true: Most of the pain you experience in relationships is a result of expecting the person to be someone other than who they truly are. We set our expectations, and even when someone shows us time and time again that they can’t meet those expectations, we continue to hold them, only to end up hurt.

And this, my friends, is what leads to all the pain.

You can’t change who someone is, no matter how much you love that person. People only change if they want to change. And even if you think you have the most compelling reason to inspire change in another human being, it doesn’t work unless that person truly wishes to change.

Now, the decision to accept who someone is and the role that person plays in your life is always your choice. Don’t ever relinquish that power. But when you choose to have someone in your life, you have to be able to make peace with who that person is based on his actions. The more your resist that reality, the more pain you will experience.

Most of us have heard the quote from

Dr. Maya Angelou that says:

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

There is so much truth to that sentiment. People are usually pretty clear with us about who they are—sometimes through their words but mainly through their actions. Our job is to believe that truth or reject it. But when we reject the unpleasant parts of a person because it’s more convenient to do so, we have to know that pain will come with that decision. We have to realize that our expectations won’t be met and disappointment will surely follow. At the end of the day you have to be ok with what you decide is right for you.

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